American Shocker: Clay Aiken is Gay!

'Ello! You alright?

Hot news out of the United States today. You'd toss up a chad or two that the bail-out or Sarah Palin's first visit ever with a foreign head-of-state would dominate the newswires, but Americans never fail to disappoint J. Jergle! This one is a shocker: Clay Aiken is gay!

You must be sporting a really small donkey-decker if this bonesmuggler was fooling you. Take a glance at this snap of 'im. He's a dead-pan for Lindsey Lohan. Oh, I'm sorry fellow Brits. She's the chicken-skinner flicking Samantha Ronson's bean at the moment. (Though who hasn't? My mate McGillicutty gave her a bit of the corned-beef after a dash in the bloomers!)

But honestly, was there ever any doubt that this guy wasn't nibbling on a slice of navy-pie? I mean, even just a bit? The whole world had him pegged as a worm-juggler the minute he stepped onto the stage.

So how about some real news Americans? Here's a headline I'd like to see: Clay Aiken is Straight and J. Jergle Jenkins Tosses His Love-Nuggets Through Sarah Palin's Wicket!

Feeding the Queen's Geese

It was a damp and dreary Wednesday evening here in Oxford. After my usual sausage roll and Scotch I prepared for my daily mully-goggle. Bottle of lotion to my left, box of tissues to my right, and my computer monitor glaring at me. "To who do I owe this pleasure," I mutter aloud. With a flimsy conny-plugger in hand I surf the internet.

My home page opens to the Times (the London Times, not the New York Times you jingoist twaffle-headed Americans). My mind instantly forgets the task at hand and focuses on an article about McCain's VP nominee, Sarah Palin. Switching gears from the perverse to the political, I read about this harrowing woman's dull backstory. She apparently switched college 6 times in 6 years, once from a school in Hawaii because she didn't know the college was on the rainy side of the island (On a side note this could provide a good excuse to pull out of Iraq: "I didn't know Iraq was in the sandy part of the world! Gross!").

I read on, completely ashamed that my country associates with a nation seriously considering electing this puddlelark, when I come across this picture. Her teeth glisten like a dooleynugget. The bun sits perfectly atop her head. The bangs fall gracefully beyond the brow. Unbeknownst to me, my inattentive gully-raker fattens up my grip! I'm rentin' a fanny-meegler to what might be the next Vice President of the United States!

And then it hits me! Should John McCain win the election just a might fortnights away, Sarah Palin could make history. Not as the first female Vice President - that's pappycock compared to what is really going on here. This occasion will mark the first time ever a heterosexual male can feed the Queen's geese to a snap of the Vice President of the United States!

Ever humbly,

J. Jergle

P.S. Sorry Dick, your jacksies are just a bit bungly for me to squid the wiggles! Maybe if you toss the dooly wellside I'll give a chad ;)

Welcome to 35 Jergle Way!

Good 'morrow!

This blog has been born in a manner similar to that of the universe. The pitfalls of American society have acted much like a cancer on my senile brain, creating a great deal of pressure within my massive, massive skull. The aftermath: an explosion of tireless rants and tirades debasing American government, society, and culture.

Whenever possible, I, J.Jergle,as well as my Dutch counterpart J.V. Scroterhaffen, promise to bring you smashing harangues debauching the objects of my oft-given venomous diatribes: bloody Americans!

Cheers,

J.Jergle Jenkins